I had to do it. I have to show the world what a funny country Austria is.
There was this bankrobbery last year, which turned into a hostage crysis. And with that it also turned into a total hillarious farce illustrating the way Austria works. There are country where such situations are handled professionally, to ensure the safety of each and everybody. There are countries, where these are handled to show the least of public attention. Other countries might handle it rather clumsy.
But i bet you, there is no country which handles such situations with such a comedic approach, disclosing the brutal stupidity and incompetence of the protagonists and portraying all people around here as the kind of stoic and naive crowd they are.
For this, i translated the recorded phone conversation between a journalist of an austrian boulevard newspaper, who boldly called the bank that was robbed (and surprisingly got through hinting a neglect by the austrian police force) and the far-from-being-aware-of-his-situation bank-robbber/hostage-taker. I want you to notice the bland journalism hitting boldly without any preparations. This is true craftsmanship! While reading you can listen to the original conversation. Let it roll:
(J = Journalist, E = Employee, H = Hostage taker)
J: Goodday, i wanted to talk with the gentleman, who... who... who's sitting in there with some people. Errr... With whom do i have the pleasure?
E: Employee of BAWAG.
J: I understand. That means, you are hostage?
J: What's happening right now?
E: Who are you, please?
J: My Name is Hodjo from the Newspaper "Österreich".
E: No please, not now, thanks.
J: Could i please speak to the gentleman, who's hasseling you?
E: From whom are you?
E (to the hostage taker): A gentleman from the Newspaper "Österreich".
T: Hand over!
E: I connect you.
J: Thank you.
(Waiting line loop of the bank institute)
J: Hadjo, hellohello?
J: Greetings, my name is Hodjo from the Newspaper "Österreich".
H: How are you called?!
J: My name is Hodjo from the Newspaper "Österreich".
H: And? What countryman are you?
H: Haudesk is not a countryman!
J: Sure, sure,... sure, sure, believe me.
H: Okay, and what further?
J: Well, i wanted to ask, how are you now?
H: How are YOU?
J: I am marvellous.
H: There you go.
J: But, i mean, well, that's not the question right now, i heard, you got cigarettes delivered?
H: What did i get..?!
J: Did you get cigarettes delivered?
H: No, we don't have cigarettes.
J: You did not get cigarettes delivered?
H: No,.. that were... are you from the "Kronenzeitung"? ("Kronenzeitung" is the biggest competing Newspaper from "Österreich")
J: No, from "Österreich".
H: "Österreich", well, okay, listen closely, i'll tell you one thing, prince charming:
("Märchenprinz" - "prince charming" was a hit song by an austrian comedian band)
H: I didn't get neighter cigarettes nor anything else, right?
J: Yes, yes...
H: And now ... we gonna call, ... so we finally ... can go to the toilet, because the toilets are locked.
J: Really? And.. w.. why is it locked?
H: Because it's closed, i mean, what "why is it locked"...?
J: Is that normal there?
H: What... no, that's not normal. I'll gonna shoot at it and...
J: Yea, yea, yea...
H: Yea, yea, yea. Now listen, i don't know you, how are you called again? Hodi..? Hodi...?
H: Yea, ok.... yea, wait, do you wanna talk to a hostage?
J: No, no, no, i mean, i wanted to ask, how it's going to go on? What does it look like?
H: What do you mean with "how it's going to go on"?
J: I mean, ...
H: Where did you get the number from anyway?!
J: From the telephone book.
H: That's not possible...
H: What's sure... how do you talk to me?! "Sure" ... thats "YES" for you!
H: Now that sounds better.
The toilet situation was quite a critical one for the hostage taker, as instead of cigarettes he actually got pizza with coke delivered to the bank (!!) and due the nature of coke was forced to really adress his own natural desires. The situation was solved unbloody with the capitulation of the hostage taker, because he was embarrassed of having peed himself. And that's not even half of all the hillarious incidents that happened that day at this bank building... dear lord, bless our unworthy souls.
Try to imagine you get that story told by a friend... would you believe it?